2014

another year, not really different than the last 5

it is 6 years since the sexual abuse happened, and da 1 has not been able to make any progress toward moving forward
da 1 found out her rapist is out of jail
da 1 lost her medicaid and services she's received for 10 years  LME let her Innovations slot expire.
ma fought for the medicaid at DHSS and cried in front of a board that didn't care.
da 1 had a job for 5 weeks, and then laid off
da 1 got pregnant and had it terminated
da 1 had services reduced by 65%, but then were reinstated after mediation
da 1 had to find new doctor to dispense medication as her pediatrician cannot anymore
da 1 got an attorney to fight Social Security's stupid decision to say she is not disabled
da 1 is getting temporary state supported services from QP
da 1 is in deep deep depression
da 1 starts school at new college - first as Early Childhood Education, changes to Criminal Justice
da 1 heard her rapist was out of jail, and then 6 months later saw him for the first time since the arrest. both times her knees buckled, she shook uncontrollably and couldn't talk.
da 1's PTSD is accelerating back to the level it was right after the rapes.
da 1's medication dosages have had to be upgraded.
da 1 has had two meltdowns where large things were thrown and damaged the house interior.
da 2 voted Conference Player of the Year, 1st team shortstop. college team MVP.
da 2 goes to Italy
da 2 gets 4.0 in second semester jr. year.
da 2 will have to go extra semester to student teach - help!  need monies!
son 1 moves to gboro and moves back to wilmington. begins work at a nice restaurant, and may see a future in the true culinary sciences.
son 1's car falls apart, and we replace it with a truck
ma changes job so to get out of wilmington for da 1.
ma changes job to go back to wilmington to be with da 1 as job in raleigh fails miserably
ma was able to spend 7 wonderful weeks with my mother in burlington. i miss that.
ma decided to not color hair anymore, and is now on the salty side of salt and pepper hair
ma is needed a facelift and necklift
ma still has a frozen shoulder
ma's good boss has breast cancer.  i still cannot deal with that, and do not do the friendly thing and visit.  i cannot stare cancer in the face.  it scares me too much.
fa is the wonderful, very stable self that i am the luckiest person in the world to be with
family tried to help a homeless family by bringing them into our home, only to have them disrespect and complain about the help being provided, and then demanding money.

in 2014, the celtics suck, the red sox suck, and wake forest generally sucks in all sports (except soccer).  great.

in 2014, da 2 finishes her junior year, and begins her last year in undergraduate college.
in 2014, da 1 is figuring out where she needs to be, what she wants to be.  become certified to be an Early Childhood Teacher assistant, and starts new cikkege to pursue her bachelor's degree.

fa's job is really picking up.  we could not have afforded another 2013.
fa's barracuda is really taking shape. he and robbo are working on it every change they get!  it is a neat thing to see him love something so much as that car, and the journey to make that car

will i ever finish anything?  will i ever stay on track?

so i came back today to start what i didn't continue 2 years ago.   Weird, exactly two years ago today, i wrote my 3rd and last post to this blog.

i really had visions of writing to this blog every day, making it a diary of sorts.  i know the experiences i have had, have now, and will have in the future can help others.

so, i'm going to start again.  some may be ramblings and remembrances.  some may be links to other information that i find most interesting or vitally important to share.

OH, and yes, like e.e. cummings, i don't like capital letters, and so you will see a bit of grammatically incorrectness in my writings.  and i won't EVER capitalize the word "i".  known issues.  probably won't ever be changed :).

The Light at the End....

my younger child called me twice today.  that meant so much.  she called to say she wouldn't be home for fall break, and wanted to stay in college town to work over the holidays.  that's okay.  she called!

she called the second time to allow me to gloat upon learning life's lessons the hard way. she's a hard head like me.  i keep telling my husband that there are times when i see the things she does and think it's deja vu all over again.

my mom always said she tried to guide me to the right way so i wouldn't have to learn the hard way.  the hard way she said is littered with hurt, heartache and regret.  of course i blew that off thinking i was indestructible.  now i see my mirror image (well, the mirror image of my hard head) going down those wrong paths.

it hurts.  i'm not sure there is anything much more painful than watching your child make poor choices.  i have had a horrible time letting go.  i've squeezed my children too much, afraid to let them go and grow up.  when i tried, the consequences seemed to be unthinkable.  but today, while good intentions don't mean success, i had a glimpse of what a parent feels when they have stayed true to their values, and stayed true to the course that being a parent does not mean being your child's best friend, but means being the most hated woman in the world.

and of course, for the past 10 years, i have been the dumbest woman in the world.  but slowly, very slowly, yet certainly much more quickly than i did, my girls are beginning to see that this mom isn't completely full of hot air.  in fact, when i trust in God, ask for miracles that i can't fathom, and parent with love - i have finally found a way to be what my children need, rather than what i want to be as a parent.



                                                                              

Making a Habit of it

i'm really going to try and write something everyday - good mind relaxation therapy, i suppose.

my 35th high school class reunion is this weekend.   i have talked with maybe 3 people from that class since i graduated from college 30 years ago.  only 1 of those people have i talked to within the last 2 years, and that person i haven't seen since my sophomore year in high school.

so, i've opted not to go.  even though i'm sure it will be a neat time for those that have kept in touch with each other, i just wouldn't know what to say to anyone.  as much as i WISH i was the same person i was in high school (naive, happy, friendly, smiling, and considered a pretty nice person), i am not that person anymore, and a large part of me wants those people to remember me for who i was back then, not who i've become.

now, while it sounds i'm unhappy with my current lot, that would be wrong.  in fact, i find everyday that experiences, no matter how great, or how horrendous, make for a person with a lot to offer and share.  on my own, and before kids, i experienced a lot over the 10 years between college and my first child.  I traveled, lived in places

On the Downside

i woke up this morning with a couple of thoughts in my head.  that's actually a relief that there were just a couple, because for the past 20 years, my head's been completely jumbled with more thoughts and ideas and emergencies than I'm sure it had storage for.

as soon as I figured out that I only had the thought to shower and get to my new job on time, i laughed out loud and woke up my husband.  he was sleeping peacefully, as he always does at 6.30 am, since he works out of the home, as he has for the last 8 years.

how jealous I have always been of him.  a stable work at home job.  what is that?  in the 8 years that we've lived in the house we built, i've spent more than 60% of my life on the road working.  that's 60% of 168 months not seeing my husband, my children, not sleeping in my bed, eating out too much, working abnormally long periods of time, and generally living a life i never imagined.

i certainly would never recommend it to anyone.