The Light at the End....

my younger child called me twice today.  that meant so much.  she called to say she wouldn't be home for fall break, and wanted to stay in college town to work over the holidays.  that's okay.  she called!

she called the second time to allow me to gloat upon learning life's lessons the hard way. she's a hard head like me.  i keep telling my husband that there are times when i see the things she does and think it's deja vu all over again.

my mom always said she tried to guide me to the right way so i wouldn't have to learn the hard way.  the hard way she said is littered with hurt, heartache and regret.  of course i blew that off thinking i was indestructible.  now i see my mirror image (well, the mirror image of my hard head) going down those wrong paths.

it hurts.  i'm not sure there is anything much more painful than watching your child make poor choices.  i have had a horrible time letting go.  i've squeezed my children too much, afraid to let them go and grow up.  when i tried, the consequences seemed to be unthinkable.  but today, while good intentions don't mean success, i had a glimpse of what a parent feels when they have stayed true to their values, and stayed true to the course that being a parent does not mean being your child's best friend, but means being the most hated woman in the world.

and of course, for the past 10 years, i have been the dumbest woman in the world.  but slowly, very slowly, yet certainly much more quickly than i did, my girls are beginning to see that this mom isn't completely full of hot air.  in fact, when i trust in God, ask for miracles that i can't fathom, and parent with love - i have finally found a way to be what my children need, rather than what i want to be as a parent.



                                                                              

Making a Habit of it

i'm really going to try and write something everyday - good mind relaxation therapy, i suppose.

my 35th high school class reunion is this weekend.   i have talked with maybe 3 people from that class since i graduated from college 30 years ago.  only 1 of those people have i talked to within the last 2 years, and that person i haven't seen since my sophomore year in high school.

so, i've opted not to go.  even though i'm sure it will be a neat time for those that have kept in touch with each other, i just wouldn't know what to say to anyone.  as much as i WISH i was the same person i was in high school (naive, happy, friendly, smiling, and considered a pretty nice person), i am not that person anymore, and a large part of me wants those people to remember me for who i was back then, not who i've become.

now, while it sounds i'm unhappy with my current lot, that would be wrong.  in fact, i find everyday that experiences, no matter how great, or how horrendous, make for a person with a lot to offer and share.  on my own, and before kids, i experienced a lot over the 10 years between college and my first child.  I traveled, lived in places

On the Downside

i woke up this morning with a couple of thoughts in my head.  that's actually a relief that there were just a couple, because for the past 20 years, my head's been completely jumbled with more thoughts and ideas and emergencies than I'm sure it had storage for.

as soon as I figured out that I only had the thought to shower and get to my new job on time, i laughed out loud and woke up my husband.  he was sleeping peacefully, as he always does at 6.30 am, since he works out of the home, as he has for the last 8 years.

how jealous I have always been of him.  a stable work at home job.  what is that?  in the 8 years that we've lived in the house we built, i've spent more than 60% of my life on the road working.  that's 60% of 168 months not seeing my husband, my children, not sleeping in my bed, eating out too much, working abnormally long periods of time, and generally living a life i never imagined.

i certainly would never recommend it to anyone.