my younger child called me twice today. that meant so much. she called to say she wouldn't be home for fall break, and wanted to stay in college town to work over the holidays. that's okay. she called!
she called the second time to allow me to gloat upon learning life's lessons the hard way. she's a hard head like me. i keep telling my husband that there are times when i see the things she does and think it's deja vu all over again.
my mom always said she tried to guide me to the right way so i wouldn't have to learn the hard way. the hard way she said is littered with hurt, heartache and regret. of course i blew that off thinking i was indestructible. now i see my mirror image (well, the mirror image of my hard head) going down those wrong paths.
it hurts. i'm not sure there is anything much more painful than watching your child make poor choices. i have had a horrible time letting go. i've squeezed my children too much, afraid to let them go and grow up. when i tried, the consequences seemed to be unthinkable. but today, while good intentions don't mean success, i had a glimpse of what a parent feels when they have stayed true to their values, and stayed true to the course that being a parent does not mean being your child's best friend, but means being the most hated woman in the world.
and of course, for the past 10 years, i have been the dumbest woman in the world. but slowly, very slowly, yet certainly much more quickly than i did, my girls are beginning to see that this mom isn't completely full of hot air. in fact, when i trust in God, ask for miracles that i can't fathom, and parent with love - i have finally found a way to be what my children need, rather than what i want to be as a parent.
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